“The Joys and Oys of Parenting”1
By Amy Small, LICSW
Some of you may have had the pleasure of
attending the recent talk at the Jewish Community Center by one of the authors
of the book, The Joys and Oys of Parenting.
While I was unable to make that event, I have been reading their book
and would like to share one of the topics here: The Peaceful Home.
Picture this scenario:
“The household is in an uproar. Everyone is upset at everyone else. There is yelling, no one is listening…. And
the doorbell rings. It’s a
neighbor. Suddenly, everyone calms down;
they’re not only polite to the neighbor, but also to one another. When the neighbor leaves, lo and behold, life
goes back to something more like “normal” and the argument is left behind.”1
The authors call this the “Neighbor Test” and
describe how this shows that we “all value having a peaceful home,” but that it
is “easy to lose sight of that ideal”.1 They reflect that the
presence of a neighbor somehow “engages our better temperaments and behavior”.
1 Somehow, everyone snaps out of the argument and chaos, but how? I think a bit of mindful attention is coming
into play here. While we are in an
argument or a stressful situation, it is hard to see anything else, even things
we deeply care about like our love for our family members. Defending our position, discussing a past
transgression, lamenting a lost privilege, or other thoughts, take over both
the parents’ and the child’s minds. While
these things may need addressing, if emotions are running high, it is hard for
anything to be accomplished effectively.
If we could have a neighbor surprise the
family like in the above scenario, everyone might have the chance to regroup
and re-engage with each other more constructively. Do we have to wait for a neighbor to visit
for this to happen? No! We have tools always available to simulate the
“Neighbor Test” and bring ourselves into the present moment- our 5 senses! Here is a fun and grounding trick to try that
I like to call the “Color Trick”. When
emotions or general chaos is running high for yourself or the household,
identify a color for you or the family.
Then, everyone glances around the room, from right where they are, and
notices everything that is that color.
When our mind is captured by the present moment and our attention is
brought to a bodily sense, it is hard for our minds to keep spinning out of
control. A calmness and increased
ability to be engaged and listen may be more accessible to all family members
at this point. Now the task of getting
out of the house, dealing with a consequence, or eating the broccoli seems more
possible. At the very least, everyone has
a chance to bring their best selves to the situation just like they did with
the neighbor. Experiment with this trick
for yourself and your family! There are
no rules. You can say what you see out
loud or silently. You can notice, point
to, or touch the items. You can do
multiple colors. You can do multiple
senses! A variation on the color trick
is an exercise where each person stops to notice one thing for each sense,
sight, sound, touch, smell, and (maybe more challenging) taste. You and your family might even find this fun,
which is always a plus when things have gotten out of hand! Rabbi Philmus at Torat Yisrael shared the
trick of doing something silly that gets everyone laughing or at least gives
them a moment to pause from the challenging time. Once a new habit like this gets started, kids
may get more involved too and even initiate one of these tricks when they see
things are getting heated!
What if your kids
don’t buy into these tricks? No
problem! It is a great self-care tool to
keep your own cool in a stressful situation.
If we can keep our cool, we are better able to see solutions we may not
see otherwise, avoid doling out consequences we can’t follow up on, and respond
with compassion and clarity rather than react with an “emotionally charged
comeback”.1 Sharing what we
are doing with the child helps model this
type of self-care and self-regulation skill.
Taking our own ‘time out’ where we stop engaging with a child for a
period of time and focus on a self-care tool can be very powerful in modelling
self-control and providing us a break from the intensity of the situation. You can do the color trick, count to ten,
take some deep breaths, or even go to another room for a few moments.
The authors of “The Joys and Oys of Parenting”
remind us that “a peaceful home is not a place where no one ever gets angry”.1
Anger is “healthy and normal” and “it’s
what we do with that anger that counts”. 1 The authors quote the Talmud, “When a wise man
loses his temper, he loses his wisdom.” 1
I think it is safe to say that we have all experienced this at one
time or another and experienced the unintended aftereffects. So, how do we experience anger without losing
control of it, especially when we are under the stress that chaotic family life
often provides? First,
how do we recognize anger rather than be taken over by it? There are often “physical signals” like
sweating, flushed face, a fast heartbeat, teary-ness, shaking, clenched
muscles, or a tight jaw that occur to a small or large degree. 1 Once we have noticed these signals, we can use
a tool like the color trick, deep breathing, or taking a break from the
situation to cool down. 1 When
we get some distance from the situation and the initial emotion, we may see
that another emotion was hidden under the “rug” of anger such as worry,
exhaustion, disappointment, or embarrassment. 1 After the intensity of emotion has
lessened a bit and we have a clearer idea of what is going on for ourselves, we
can then put our feelings into words more clearly and address the situation
constructively. For example, after a
heated debate about a child’s refusal to pick up their shoes, it might sound
like this: “I realize I’ve been raising my voice and am sounding angry. I apologize. Actually, I am tense today for totally
different reasons than your shoes. I
needed a minute and a way to take a step back to realize that. Let’s try again.” It may have been a stressful
phone call earlier, worries about your child’s school performance, or a
difficult day at work that contributed to the emotions of the moment, but now
you can more clearly and constructively address the issue at hand with less
emotional reactivity. This
is great modeling of self-regulation and self-expression for our children.
When our own emotions are
clearer and calmer, we are able to see what may be under the “rug” of our
children’s initial feelings or behaviors as well. We can then speak to those feelings, helping
them “build a vocabulary to communicate what is going on inside” rather than
acting it out.1 For example,
maybe your 4-year-old had trouble playing with a friend that day or your
14-year-old got a disappointing grade or felt left out at school. Either of them might just be feeling unsettled
that day for reasons they don’t understand.
When we are more grounded and calm ourselves, we can see the signs that
something is off with our child and tune into that as well. The shoes still need to get picked up, but
hopefully it can happen with a little less anger and frustration once difficult
emotions have been acknowledged. It
can be difficult to sit with our true emotions, both as children and adults,
but being mindful of these can help us create a peaceful home where we can stay
connected to our values regarding our families and loved ones.
Rose Murrin,
LICSW, is your Kesher social worker at the synagogue. Kesher is the
congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island,
funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at
Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom. Rose may
be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.
1Elias, M. J., Gootman, M. E., &
Schwartz, H. L. (2016). The joys
& oys of parenting: insight and wisdom from the Jewish tradition. Springfield, NJ: Behrman House.
