When most
people think of the word intimacy, they think of a romantic relationship. Yet, there are many types of intimacy- physical, spiritual and emotional. I
was recently reading “The Orphan Master’s Son” by Adam Johnson[1]
and was struck by the theme of intimacy and its risks in the context of modern
day North Korea. In this novel, intimacy is defined as “when two people share
everything, when there are no secrets between them.” It goes on to explore
intimacy between parents and children, between friends and between romantic
partners. What stands out is the rarity of such intimacy.
Taking a
step back, it is not so surprising. After all, how many people do we have in
our lives with whom we share everything? It would not be terribly healthy if everyone knew everything. But this is what makes intimacy, whether in its fullest
expression or even in parts, so wonderful. When enough trust is established for
two people or a group to be safe enough to be vulnerably honest, it can be
incredibly freeing and unique. In the novel, the main characters struggled to
establish intimacy in the context of unsafe environments. In our own worlds,
this can be true for so many of us as well. Most have had the experience of
having a trust betrayed, of disclosin a secret that was revealed- in bigger or
smaller ways. These experiences may cause many to hesitate to establish new,
emotionally intimate relationships. Yet, they are so very important to our
ability to feel connected in important ways.
A study out
of University of Arizona[2]
noted that people who spend more time with others and are engaged in meaningful conversations expressed a greater
sense of well-being than those who either spend less time with others, or
engage primarily in small talk. The more beneficial conversations are typically
driven by sharing thoughts, opinions and feelings… and are the beginning of
developing meaningful, emotionally intimate relationships. So how do you begin?
Many people
have had the experience of a dear friend, a cherished partner, or a close
familial relationship. Some may have had few such opportunities. But even those
who currently have these relationships may benefit from thinking about some of
the simple elements that go into having meaningful, emotionally intimate
dialogue. The space in which you are engaging is important to a good
conversation. Choosing an environment where everyone can be relaxed allows a
more natural dialogue. Another element is daring to disclose. This does not
mean baring your entire soul in one sitting, but rather, taking a chance on
sharing something- a feeling, a political view, a personal experience that is important
to you….. And then allowing the other person to respond, reciprocate and engage
while giving them your full attention. As you offer your attention and ideas,
you may find common ground from which to discuss both harmonious and discordant
views on matters that are important to you both.
This can
feel like it takes work… because it does. Like many things that are good for
us, it can take effort, especially when we are off track. However, there are
many benefits to offering thoughtful attention to the emotional intimacy in an
important relationship or to developing strong, supportive relationships. If
you find yourself struggling with this, please feel welcomed contact me, your
Kesher social worker. I would be more than happy to talk and help identify the
next steps to developing strong relationships in your life.
Rose Murrin,
LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Temple Congregation Beth Sholom.
Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode
Island, generously funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and
currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael,
Congregation Beth Sholom and Temple Emanu-El. She can be reached at
rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.
[1]
Johnson, A. (2012) The Orphan Master’s
Son. New York, NY: Random House.
[2]
Mehl, M. R., Vazire, S., Holleran, S. E., & Clark, C. S. (2010).
Eavesdropping on happiness: Well-being is related to having less small talk and
more substantive conversations. Psychological Science, 21, 539–541.
