But what if I don't have time for a bubble bath?!?
“Self-care” is a buzz
phrase that is often thrown around as an antidote to stress or other challenges
in life. While this is true, it can feel
most difficult to take care of yourself when you most need it. Time, energy, and other resources can quickly
become much more limited when dealing with a crisis, change, or stressor. Good sleeping, eating, and exercise habits go
out the window. Things we do for
ourselves are often the first to get cut when resources are low. How, then, can we care for ourselves when we
most need it? Is the answer to drop
everything and take a bubble bath or a long walk? Sure, if you feel you can! Sometimes trying to squeeze in what we think
of as “self-care” ends up adding more stress than calm though. What can one do with limited time and energy
when the going gets tough? A helpful
tool can be found in our mind.
Have you noticed what is going on with your thoughts
when you are going through a stressful or challenging time? This may be a place where you can get some relief
and much needed “self-care.” In
considering Tara’s article last month about forgiveness, self-forgiveness is a
good place to start. When things get
difficult, we can often become critical of ourselves for not doing enough or not
doing the ‘right’ thing. If a good
friend was going through a difficult time, would you be critical of them and
tell them all they were doing wrong or would you be kind and supportive? Oftentimes we treat our friends better than
we treat ourselves! One way to impact
our thoughts is to offer ourselves forgiveness and kindness when we are
struggling. Imagine what you would say
to a good friend who you want to offer support and then shift your thoughts to offer
the same to yourself. Another name for
these thoughts is “self-talk.”
“Self-talk” are the things that we say to ourselves in thought. Often, we don’t even notice we are saying
them. Noticing and shifting our “self-talk”
can be done anywhere, anytime. Shifting to
a kind and supportive inner comment takes no more time than a negative comment. The old
saying goes “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!”
Another
“self-talk” shift that can support you during stressful times is noticing when
you say “should” to yourself. We often
put a lot of expectations on ourselves and the criticism may take the form of
telling yourself something you “should” do or be. If we change this small word “should” to
“could,” it can make a big difference in how we feel. Rather than a criticism, it turns into a
choice that you have control over.
During
this time of year when we are often thinking of others, we need to include
ourselves in that as well! I’d like to
offer another type of “self-care” that only takes moments to do. This is a practice from Buddhism called
“loving-kindness.” You can find a quiet
place if you are able, but you can also do this while dealing with frustrating
traffic, screaming kids, or impossible deadlines. Try sending yourself the following wishes,
really connecting to each of them, repeating them, and allowing them to sink
in.
“May I be happy”
“May I be healthy, body and mind”
“May I live with ease and kindness”
Once you have offered these to yourself,
chose a person close to you to send these wishes to.
“May you be happy”
“May you be healthy, body and mind”
“May you live with ease and kindness”
And then choose someone you are less
acquainted with to send these wishes to.
You can send these wishes to people further and further from yourself
and even to those with whom you are having challenges. Sending these wishes to the person who cut
you off in traffic can be a step toward your own “self-care.” Again, back to Tara’s article on forgiveness,
forgiveness or “loving-kindness” toward others can contribute to our own
well-being as well.
So,
as you go through stressful, frustrating, or challenging times, remember that
“self-care” is more than a long walk and a bubble bath. Check in with your thoughts to see where a
small shift may help you be kinder to yourself.
If you would like support in practicing this or other ways to manage
challenges in your life, please reach out to me. All conversations are confidential.
Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue.
Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode
Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently
active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom. Rose may
be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.
