Searching for Solitude
When I was 20, I spent the year living at home and commuting
to work and school. The drive to each was about 30 minutes, giving me at least
2 hours a day. In addition, I often drove 6 hours round trip after work to pick
up my brother from his college town. Needless to say, I had a lot of time
alone. This was a pretty new experience and I filled the time with music and
radio. Eventually these options wore thin. Since there were no smart phones to
put on speaker and I hadn’t discovered books on tape (yes, my car would have
required a cassette tape), I had only one other option- silence. This was
uncomfortable at first, but it wasn’t awful. In fact, over time, I learned to
long for this time and space to just drive and think or just be there driving.
It began to feel like a space in my life I had been missing. Like a space for
breath, for self awareness, for opening my mind and heart to whatever the
distractions of life pushed to the side.
Today, these spaces are harder to find. Many of us are not
required to be without entertainment or connection with others at all. Just
pull out your phone while your coffee is being brewed, or you stand in line, or
you wait for the next thing to begin- voila! Entertainment, connection! But
what are we missing by our fear of missing out?
William Deresiewicz noted in his essay, “The End of
Solitude” that while the internet is “an incalculable blessing,” one side
effect is that “we live exclusively in relation to others, and what disappears
from our lives is solitude.”[1]
The research and writing on solitude makes a clear and frequent distinction
between solitude and loneliness. The former being a neutral state and the
latter being a negative state. So, what is so important about solitude?
There are a number of thinkers who are exploring the
benefits of solitude. Reed Larson, professor of human development at University
of Illinois found that “adolescents who spent between 25% to 45 % of their non-class
time alone received better school grades…were rated as better adjusted by their
teachers and parents, and they had lower self-reported depression.”[2]
Larry Dossey, MD, in a recently published article on solitude notes, “Anyone
who has overcome his or her resistance to solitude and enters the experience
sincerely and regularly soon realizes that solitude is neither silent nor
empty, but crammed full of information and rewards that are accessible through
no other avenue. “[3]
When one begins to dig into these studies, reflections and analyses, a theme
begins to emerge. As humans, we need solitude as much as we need connection
with one another. While the exact balance is likely dependant on the
individual, having both is important. To have time alone gives us the
opportunity to explore our thoughts, reflect on our experiences and become open
to knowledge that is only available through quiet contemplation.
For many of us, looking around at our lives reveals a marked
lack of true solitude. While we may spend time physically alone, we are
constantly connecting in both superficial and meaningful ways through our
computers, phones and tablets. To find solitude in our current society may
require us to actively seek and engage in it. We may need to plan, give
warning, shut down or power off to find this time. Like all new practices, it
may be uncomfortable at first- but in time, it may be truly worth the effort.
Rose Murrin is the
Kesher social worker at the synagogue.
Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service
of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and
currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple
Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom.
She can be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-369-0160.
[1]
William Deresiewicz, 2009, The End of Solitude, http://www.chronicle.com/article/The-End-of-Solitude/3708
[2] Reed
Larson, 1997, The Emergence of Solitude as a Contructive Domain of Experience
in Early Adolescence, Child Development, Volume 68, Number 1, pages 80-93.
[3]
Larry Dossey,MD, 2016, Solitude: On Dining Alone, Cellphones, and Teddy Bears, The journal of Science and Healing, Volume 12,
Issue 2, pages 77-83.
