Communication Lessons from Social
Work and Martial Arts
By, Amy Small, LICSW
Communication is an essential part
of our relationships as human beings. How
we connect with others plays a significant role in everything from romantic
relationships to parent-child relationships to incidental interactions throughout
our day. A miscommunication or a
challenging exchange can have a major impact on our moods and how we interact
with others as our day progresses. Have
you ever started the day in a disagreement with a partner or child and then
later found yourself in conflict with others at work or at the grocery
store? It can be difficult to shake the
effects of communication gone awry.
Research has even found that negative communication patterns are more
linked to divorce than commitment levels, personality traits, or stressful
events1. How, then, can we set ourselves up for more
effective communication experiences?
I have
discovered valuable communication lessons in my experiences both as a social
worker and a martial artist. One of the
basic tenets of social work practice is to ‘start where the client is’; meaning
that, in these communications it is important to approach an issue from the
perspective of a person’s own needs and desires and not my own agenda, no
matter how helpful I feel it might be.
That is not to say that I never offer a new perspective; that is far
from the case. However, in starting from
where the other person is, I am then able to better understand their needs and
thoughts and have a more useful idea of how to convey a new perspective to
them.
Believe
it or not, this same dynamic is reflected in my martial arts practice of
Aikido! Aikido is based on blending with
another person’s physical energy and then redirecting that energy. We first tune into where our partner is in
the moment, truly understanding their intentions and movements in the
interaction. Since it is a martial art,
fundamentally their intention is to attack or do harm. In conversation, we often feel that another
person’s words are an attack on us as well.
How we respond to that attack impacts the outcome of the interaction. If we attack back, avoid or ignore, or freeze
physically in Aikido - or verbally in conversation - the results are often
undesirable. Instead, what if we attempt
to blend and redirect in our communication as is done in Aikido?
By starting where the other person
is, we can understand their perspective and the needs they are trying to meet
through a particular communication. Their
needs may be very different from your needs in the interaction, but it is
likely that their intent is grounded in a basic human need to which you can
relate. The practice of “Nonviolent
Communication” posits that we are all trying to “honor universal values and
needs”- such as connection, well-being, honesty, and autonomy. Tuning into these needs can help us find
where we might agree or overlap in our intentions in an otherwise difficult
conversation. Once this blending occurs,
we are better able to redirect that conversation to also include our own needs,
perspective, and intentions. In Aikido,
this results in both partners having a positive experience, even though the
attacker may not have ended up where they originally expected to go. Such efforts can lead to better outcomes for
both people in difficult conversations as well!
Blending and redirecting can bring a different perspective to everything
from an insensitive comment from a passerby to an intense disagreement between
you and your partner.
It is difficult to start from a
place of understanding or agreement when you are in a disagreement! Just like anything, it takes practice. Stay calm, tune in, listen, and try to
understand the other person’s perspective.
When you start where the other person is, you can more effectively move
the conversation to where you would like it to go.
If you have
some challenging conversations in your life you would like support in
navigating in a new way, please reach out!
You can reach me at rose@jfsri.org
or 401.331-1244.
1Lavner, J. A., & Bradbury, T.
N. (2012). Why do even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce? Journal of Family Psychology,26(1),
1-10.
2Center for Nonviolent
Communication: A Global Organization. (n.d.). Retrieved June 09, 2017, from
https://www.cnvc.org/
Rose
Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue. Kesher is
the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island,
funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at
Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom. Rose may
be reached at asmall@jfsri.org or 401-338-8301.
