Searching for Solitude

Searching for Solitude

When I was 20, I spent the year living at home and commuting to work and school. The drive to each was about 30 minutes, giving me at least 2 hours a day. In addition, I often drove 6 hours round trip after work to pick up my brother from his college town. Needless to say, I had a lot of time alone. This was a pretty new experience and I filled the time with music and radio. Eventually these options wore thin. Since there were no smart phones to put on speaker and I hadn’t discovered books on tape (yes, my car would have required a cassette tape), I had only one other option- silence. This was uncomfortable at first, but it wasn’t awful. In fact, over time, I learned to long for this time and space to just drive and think or just be there driving. It began to feel like a space in my life I had been missing. Like a space for breath, for self awareness, for opening my mind and heart to whatever the distractions of life pushed to the side.

Today, these spaces are harder to find. Many of us are not required to be without entertainment or connection with others at all. Just pull out your phone while your coffee is being brewed, or you stand in line, or you wait for the next thing to begin- voila! Entertainment, connection! But what are we missing by our fear of missing out?

William Deresiewicz noted in his essay, “The End of Solitude” that while the internet is “an incalculable blessing,” one side effect is that “we live exclusively in relation to others, and what disappears from our lives is solitude.”[1] The research and writing on solitude makes a clear and frequent distinction between solitude and loneliness. The former being a neutral state and the latter being a negative state. So, what is so important about solitude?

There are a number of thinkers who are exploring the benefits of solitude. Reed Larson, professor of human development at University of Illinois found that “adolescents who spent between 25% to 45 % of their non-class time alone received better school grades…were rated as better adjusted by their teachers and parents, and they had lower self-reported depression.”[2] Larry Dossey, MD, in a recently published article on solitude notes, “Anyone who has overcome his or her resistance to solitude and enters the experience sincerely and regularly soon realizes that solitude is neither silent nor empty, but crammed full of information and rewards that are accessible through no other avenue. “[3] When one begins to dig into these studies, reflections and analyses, a theme begins to emerge. As humans, we need solitude as much as we need connection with one another. While the exact balance is likely dependant on the individual, having both is important. To have time alone gives us the opportunity to explore our thoughts, reflect on our experiences and become open to knowledge that is only available through quiet contemplation.

For many of us, looking around at our lives reveals a marked lack of true solitude. While we may spend time physically alone, we are constantly connecting in both superficial and meaningful ways through our computers, phones and tablets. To find solitude in our current society may require us to actively seek and engage in it. We may need to plan, give warning, shut down or power off to find this time. Like all new practices, it may be uncomfortable at first- but in time, it may be truly worth the effort.

Rose Murrin is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom.  She can be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-369-0160.

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[1] William Deresiewicz, 2009, The End of Solitude, http://www.chronicle.com/article/The-End-of-Solitude/3708

[2] Reed Larson, 1997, The Emergence of Solitude as a Contructive Domain of Experience in Early Adolescence, Child Development, Volume 68, Number 1, pages 80-93.

[3] Larry Dossey,MD, 2016, Solitude: On Dining Alone, Cellphones, and Teddy Bears,  The journal of Science and Healing, Volume 12, Issue 2, pages 77-83.