Talking to Yourself Again?

Talking to yourself again?

Have you ever been caught speaking out loud to yourself? Most of us have. Some of us laugh at ourselves, make jokes about “losing it,” generally try to brush it aside. Others are apologetic. Some just roll with it. But it can feel exposing to be caught talking to ourselves. Why? To put it simply, our private inner thoughts have been observed. While this is not necessarily bad, it can take us by surprise.

Having an internal dialogue is a common experience. We think and often, those thoughts are directed at ourselves, our surroundings, even the thoughts themselves. This inner voice expresses our points of view, positive or negative. It is an important tool in figuring out what we do and don’t want to engage with in our world.

When I sit and talk with people, these thoughts come up frequently as they can profoundly impact our experiences. They are also quite telling about the world view from which we operate. This can be particularly important if there is a theme that isn’t working. For example, a person might have a frequent thought, “I always mess things up.” Each time a failure is experienced, this thought crops up. It might even get said aloud. These inner themes are common, but they can cast our world in absolutes. In reality, our experiences are rarely so black and white. There are often many facets of a thing we are trying to accomplish. For example, if one is making dinner, one might make a pasta dish, a salad, a dessert. Each of these will require multiple steps- some will go better than others. Perhaps veggies get chopped efficiently and the pasta is perfectly timed. Perhaps the pasta sauce is too runny and the dessert gets overcooked. If the overarching, natural response is, “I always mess things up,” one will look at the meal as a failure which is consistent with one’s overall experiences of one’s efforts.  On the other hand, if the person’s inner dialogue tends toward the positive, “I like to try new things,” they may see the success of the pasta texture, the time saved chopping vegetables in a new way. They may even approach the less successful elements with a curious mind- observing that the sauce might thicken better with the lid off or that their oven cooks faster than recipes generally require. The more positive outlook allows for an expectation of improvement with future efforts. It allows for the perception of success.

This is all fine and good, but if you are a person whose thoughts tend toward the negative, what are you supposed to do? There are many ways to address negative inner dialogue, but a simple one to begin with is to try matching a negative with a positive. So, in the dinner example, if one notices the thought, “I always mess things up,” one might then actively choose to find a positive thing to say to oneself as well- “I enjoyed trying out this new recipe” or “I made a pretty good salad.” Overtime, as you get better recognizing the negative thoughts and matching them with a positive one, you might up it to two positives for each negative. Much like the muscles in our arms, our minds can strengthen in new ways with exercise. In the beginning, it can feel awkward and unnatural, but with practice, it can become a part of your inner experience.  If you want support in this practice, you can reach out to friends, family, a therapist, or your Kesher social worker. This simple practice can really begin to shift your experience of your life and world. While you will probably continue to talk to yourself, you may begin to enjoy what you hear.

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom. Rose may be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.

What if I don't have time for a bubble bath?!? Can you take care of yourself without adding to the "to-do" list?

But what if I don't have time for a bubble bath?!?

 “Self-care” is a buzz phrase that is often thrown around as an antidote to stress or other challenges in life.  While this is true, it can feel most difficult to take care of yourself when you most need it.  Time, energy, and other resources can quickly become much more limited when dealing with a crisis, change, or stressor.  Good sleeping, eating, and exercise habits go out the window.  Things we do for ourselves are often the first to get cut when resources are low.  How, then, can we care for ourselves when we most need it?  Is the answer to drop everything and take a bubble bath or a long walk?  Sure, if you feel you can!  Sometimes trying to squeeze in what we think of as “self-care” ends up adding more stress than calm though.  What can one do with limited time and energy when the going gets tough?  A helpful tool can be found in our mind. 

 Have you noticed what is going on with your thoughts when you are going through a stressful or challenging time?  This may be a place where you can get some relief and much needed “self-care.”  In considering Tara’s article last month about forgiveness, self-forgiveness is a good place to start.  When things get difficult, we can often become critical of ourselves for not doing enough or not doing the ‘right’ thing.  If a good friend was going through a difficult time, would you be critical of them and tell them all they were doing wrong or would you be kind and supportive?  Oftentimes we treat our friends better than we treat ourselves!  One way to impact our thoughts is to offer ourselves forgiveness and kindness when we are struggling.  Imagine what you would say to a good friend who you want to offer support and then shift your thoughts to offer the same to yourself.  Another name for these thoughts is “self-talk.”  “Self-talk” are the things that we say to ourselves in thought.  Often, we don’t even notice we are saying them.  Noticing and shifting our “self-talk” can be done anywhere, anytime.  Shifting to a kind and supportive inner comment takes no more time than a negative comment.  The old saying goes “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!”

                Another “self-talk” shift that can support you during stressful times is noticing when you say “should” to yourself.  We often put a lot of expectations on ourselves and the criticism may take the form of telling yourself something you “should” do or be.  If we change this small word “should” to “could,” it can make a big difference in how we feel.  Rather than a criticism, it turns into a choice that you have control over.   

                During this time of year when we are often thinking of others, we need to include ourselves in that as well!  I’d like to offer another type of “self-care” that only takes moments to do.  This is a practice from Buddhism called “loving-kindness.”  You can find a quiet place if you are able, but you can also do this while dealing with frustrating traffic, screaming kids, or impossible deadlines.  Try sending yourself the following wishes, really connecting to each of them, repeating them, and allowing them to sink in. 

“May I be happy”

“May I be healthy, body and mind”

“May I live with ease and kindness”

Once you have offered these to yourself, chose a person close to you to send these wishes to.

“May you be happy”

“May you be healthy, body and mind”

“May you live with ease and kindness”

And then choose someone you are less acquainted with to send these wishes to.  You can send these wishes to people further and further from yourself and even to those with whom you are having challenges.  Sending these wishes to the person who cut you off in traffic can be a step toward your own “self-care.”  Again, back to Tara’s article on forgiveness, forgiveness or “loving-kindness” toward others can contribute to our own well-being as well.

                So, as you go through stressful, frustrating, or challenging times, remember that “self-care” is more than a long walk and a bubble bath.  Check in with your thoughts to see where a small shift may help you be kinder to yourself.  If you would like support in practicing this or other ways to manage challenges in your life, please reach out to me.  All conversations are confidential.    

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Rose may be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.

            

The nature of fear

Last winter, after a number of threats to the Jewish community, I found myself reflecting on the very raw feelings of being scared. In giving it some thought, I realized that fear is a very complex thing. It can reside within us as a constant companion or sneak up from nowhere and rob us of our breath. So often fear is lined with a sense of powerlessness, a lack of control over our surroundings, over others, even over ourselves. And what do we do with this, when we are overcome with fear, physically awash in the tingling sensation, numb, yet intensely feeling? How do we both recognize this important warning of some sort of danger and remain engaged in our lives, in our values, in our struggles? I didn’t have these answers last winter, and I continue to wrestle with it now. 

More recently, I have had cause to reflect in a different way- on the ways that fear can become more common place, so much a part of the fabric of our lives, that we fail to notice its presence most of the time. A recent social media campaign asked women to self-identify if they have been harassed or assaulted due to their gender. While many simply (and bravely) acknowledged having this experience, others made comments about how this was just a part of the fabric of life-  that the expectation of being harassed was not something they considered often, because it was ever present.  In this way, fear can become so pervasive it’s imperceptible.  What impact does this ever-present experience of fear have on the psyche?  

I think this insidious experience of fear is also a part of people’s lives in other ways. Those who are targeted for harassment or abuse for reasons of identity- be it racial, religious, or something else- have expressed much the same. Still others may find they are living with fear that is more individual in nature. Whichever it is, when one has been the focus of animosity over significant amounts of time- be it years or millenia, one can become numb to the prickle of fear in the everyday. Perhaps this is better than feeling continually anxious. Perhaps growing numb allows us to be active in our lives. But I wonder what the cost is? Do we become complacent? Do we begin to accept the culture of harassment in which we live? The question of the whether the trade-offs are worthwhile is likely an individual one. However, if you are ever struggling with this question, or are finding yourself out of balance, there are people to talk to… including your Kesher social worker. Sometimes a simple conversation can be a great first step toward naming a problem and beginning to find a solution. 

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Congregation Beth Sholom.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Tara may be reached at 401-331-1244 or rose@jfsri.org.