What Does it Mean to Age Well? by Tara Watkins

What Does It Mean to “Age Well”

By Tara Watkins, LICSW

Who comes to mind when you think of someone who has aged well?  What qualities or characteristics does this person have?  Whatever unique qualities might surface when you ponder these questions, universally each person is mostly likely resilient, compassionate, and loving.

It is important to remember that aging well doesn’t happen overnight, rather character traits are developed and nurtured over a lifetime of experiences. What traits should one try to develop? According to Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal co-authors of the book Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit, those who age well easily feel and express gratitude, finding the good in others and in events. From this place of gratefulness they are less frightened, less angry and more accepting of their situation.  They are also more generous, finding pleasure in giving and helping to build relationships and community. Aging well individuals have learned to be patient and trusting, but not passive-allowing events to unfold more slowly, accepting other people’s foibles and not rushing to judge or blame them. They are joyful, though not necessarily ebullient, so they find more to celebrate in the day, and feel more optimistic. When you are with them you may sense a certain equanimity, an ability to hold paradox, to be with both the sad and the happy, with the frightening and the pleasurable, and to take life in stride.

These character traits of gratitude, generosity, patience, joy and equanimity are vital to manifesting some of the behaviors that Dr. George Valliant, director of Harvard University’s extended longitudinal study on aging, has identified as promoting aging well:

·         Being able to orient one’s thinking toward the future rather than the past.

·         Maintaining a generally optimistic perspective, choosing to interpret events and choices so one sees possibilities rather than risks when given the opportunity.

·         Developing mature adaptive strategies (turning lemons into lemonade)

·         Reacting well to change, disease, and conflict.

·         Reinventing oneself.

·         Practicing forgiveness

·         Feeling and expressing gratitude.

·         Letting go of self-importance.

·         Demonstrating for the young how not to fear death.

·         Finding a rationale for living well even in times of great loss.

Hearing such a detailed list might make us wonder whether we can really expect so much of ourselves, especially if these traits do not come naturally. We might find ourselves asking:  Is it truly possible for me to strengthen or perhaps begin to develop these qualities at this point in my life?

If you find yourself contemplating this remember change is always possible, and is a process. There may be a sudden “awakening”, but we must do the inner work to incorporate and integrate the new ways of thinking and being. 

Recent work in neuroscience helps us understand how this change process takes place. When we cultivate new kinds of thoughts and behaviors, we are making changes in our brains that will eventually modify our habitual patterns of thought and action, yielding to new responses. Thus, no matter where you are in life, with practice it is possible to cultivate the qualities mentioned by Dr. Valliant.

 Having a hard time figuring out how to start the process or perhaps find yourself hitting a road block along the way? The temple’s Kesher social worker is available to help support you through this experience.  Consultations are confidential.

If you found the article intriguing and would like to explore this topic in greater depth, I am looking to start a book discussion group at Temple Emanu-El in Spring 2018 focused on Dr. Linda Thal and Rabbi Rachel Cowan’s book in the Spring 2018. Please call 401-527-7772 or email  tara@jfsri.org to let me know you are interested and I will follow up with further details.