What if I don't have time for a bubble bath?!? Can you take care of yourself without adding to the "to-do" list?

But what if I don't have time for a bubble bath?!?

 “Self-care” is a buzz phrase that is often thrown around as an antidote to stress or other challenges in life.  While this is true, it can feel most difficult to take care of yourself when you most need it.  Time, energy, and other resources can quickly become much more limited when dealing with a crisis, change, or stressor.  Good sleeping, eating, and exercise habits go out the window.  Things we do for ourselves are often the first to get cut when resources are low.  How, then, can we care for ourselves when we most need it?  Is the answer to drop everything and take a bubble bath or a long walk?  Sure, if you feel you can!  Sometimes trying to squeeze in what we think of as “self-care” ends up adding more stress than calm though.  What can one do with limited time and energy when the going gets tough?  A helpful tool can be found in our mind. 

 Have you noticed what is going on with your thoughts when you are going through a stressful or challenging time?  This may be a place where you can get some relief and much needed “self-care.”  In considering Tara’s article last month about forgiveness, self-forgiveness is a good place to start.  When things get difficult, we can often become critical of ourselves for not doing enough or not doing the ‘right’ thing.  If a good friend was going through a difficult time, would you be critical of them and tell them all they were doing wrong or would you be kind and supportive?  Oftentimes we treat our friends better than we treat ourselves!  One way to impact our thoughts is to offer ourselves forgiveness and kindness when we are struggling.  Imagine what you would say to a good friend who you want to offer support and then shift your thoughts to offer the same to yourself.  Another name for these thoughts is “self-talk.”  “Self-talk” are the things that we say to ourselves in thought.  Often, we don’t even notice we are saying them.  Noticing and shifting our “self-talk” can be done anywhere, anytime.  Shifting to a kind and supportive inner comment takes no more time than a negative comment.  The old saying goes “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!”

                Another “self-talk” shift that can support you during stressful times is noticing when you say “should” to yourself.  We often put a lot of expectations on ourselves and the criticism may take the form of telling yourself something you “should” do or be.  If we change this small word “should” to “could,” it can make a big difference in how we feel.  Rather than a criticism, it turns into a choice that you have control over.   

                During this time of year when we are often thinking of others, we need to include ourselves in that as well!  I’d like to offer another type of “self-care” that only takes moments to do.  This is a practice from Buddhism called “loving-kindness.”  You can find a quiet place if you are able, but you can also do this while dealing with frustrating traffic, screaming kids, or impossible deadlines.  Try sending yourself the following wishes, really connecting to each of them, repeating them, and allowing them to sink in. 

“May I be happy”

“May I be healthy, body and mind”

“May I live with ease and kindness”

Once you have offered these to yourself, chose a person close to you to send these wishes to.

“May you be happy”

“May you be healthy, body and mind”

“May you live with ease and kindness”

And then choose someone you are less acquainted with to send these wishes to.  You can send these wishes to people further and further from yourself and even to those with whom you are having challenges.  Sending these wishes to the person who cut you off in traffic can be a step toward your own “self-care.”  Again, back to Tara’s article on forgiveness, forgiveness or “loving-kindness” toward others can contribute to our own well-being as well.

                So, as you go through stressful, frustrating, or challenging times, remember that “self-care” is more than a long walk and a bubble bath.  Check in with your thoughts to see where a small shift may help you be kinder to yourself.  If you would like support in practicing this or other ways to manage challenges in your life, please reach out to me.  All conversations are confidential.    

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at the synagogue.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Rose may be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.

            

The nature of fear

Last winter, after a number of threats to the Jewish community, I found myself reflecting on the very raw feelings of being scared. In giving it some thought, I realized that fear is a very complex thing. It can reside within us as a constant companion or sneak up from nowhere and rob us of our breath. So often fear is lined with a sense of powerlessness, a lack of control over our surroundings, over others, even over ourselves. And what do we do with this, when we are overcome with fear, physically awash in the tingling sensation, numb, yet intensely feeling? How do we both recognize this important warning of some sort of danger and remain engaged in our lives, in our values, in our struggles? I didn’t have these answers last winter, and I continue to wrestle with it now. 

More recently, I have had cause to reflect in a different way- on the ways that fear can become more common place, so much a part of the fabric of our lives, that we fail to notice its presence most of the time. A recent social media campaign asked women to self-identify if they have been harassed or assaulted due to their gender. While many simply (and bravely) acknowledged having this experience, others made comments about how this was just a part of the fabric of life-  that the expectation of being harassed was not something they considered often, because it was ever present.  In this way, fear can become so pervasive it’s imperceptible.  What impact does this ever-present experience of fear have on the psyche?  

I think this insidious experience of fear is also a part of people’s lives in other ways. Those who are targeted for harassment or abuse for reasons of identity- be it racial, religious, or something else- have expressed much the same. Still others may find they are living with fear that is more individual in nature. Whichever it is, when one has been the focus of animosity over significant amounts of time- be it years or millenia, one can become numb to the prickle of fear in the everyday. Perhaps this is better than feeling continually anxious. Perhaps growing numb allows us to be active in our lives. But I wonder what the cost is? Do we become complacent? Do we begin to accept the culture of harassment in which we live? The question of the whether the trade-offs are worthwhile is likely an individual one. However, if you are ever struggling with this question, or are finding yourself out of balance, there are people to talk to… including your Kesher social worker. Sometimes a simple conversation can be a great first step toward naming a problem and beginning to find a solution. 

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Congregation Beth Sholom.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Tara may be reached at 401-331-1244 or rose@jfsri.org.

When Common Misunderstandings of Forgiveness Get in the Way

Please enjoy this timely article by my colleague, Tara Watkins.

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 When Common Misunderstandings of Forgiveness Get in the Way

By Tara Watkins, LICSW

As the High Holidays approach, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the concept of forgiveness. Unfortunately, too often, struggles with knowing exactly what our goals should be hinder our path. Are we accepting an apology, letting go of hurt or anger, and/or reestablishing a relationship?

In their book entitled Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit, Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal explore some of the common misunderstandings of forgiveness that may make the process of forgiving more difficult:

1) Forgiveness is the same as forgetting. This is not true. Sometimes we do forget, but if we choose to, we can forgive without forgetting. We are entitled to remember and it may even be wise to remember to try and protect ourselves from experiencing a similar hurt in the future.

2.) Forgiveness is the same as excusing or condoning. Definitely not. We can continue to find a person’s behavior inexcusable but still let go of the anger or hurt we feel when we think about it. We can separate our negative judgment about the action from our feelings of being personally injured.

3.) Forgiveness makes us vulnerable and weak. This is absolutely wrong! Forgiveness actually makes us stronger.  Unfortunately, some people fear that forgiving is “giving in,” and also that by forgiving they concede a battle and set themselves up to be hurt again.

According to Rabbi Harold Kushner, true forgiveness really happens only when we are strong enough to let go, when we are able to say, “you because of what you did to me, don’t deserve the power to be the ghost inside my head.” By taking this first step and acknowledging the “ghost,” we remove its power over us and begin to move forward on our path towards forgiveness.

4.) Forgiveness only occurs when there is acknowledgement of wrongful behavior. This belief gives the wrongdoer all the power! If we spent time thinking about what happened as objectively as we can, why do we need to wait for the other person to conclude that he or she was in the wrong? Perhaps it would add to our satisfaction and make reconciliation easier, but we do not need to be held back from our own internal process by the other’s disagreement or resistance.

So if forgiveness does not depend upon forgetting, excusing, reconciling, or apology, then how do we think about its essence? Psychologist Robert Enright says that forgiveness is “giving up the resentment to which you are entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled.”

What an empowering statement. Through forgiveness we release ourselves from the forces that weigh us down. Feelings such as anger, resentment, and powerlessness as well as fantasies of revenge and preoccupations with the past no longer have a hold of us.  If we do not allow ourselves to let go of these negative emotions our energy becomes displaced, energy we need to move forward into the future.

Ultimately, when we allow negative feelings and preoccupations to fester within, it hurts only us, no one else, including the object of our resentment. In fact research has shown that long term holding onto resentment and other negative emotions may be detrimental to our physical health.  One unnamed person cited in Wise Aging describes the reasons for why we should strive to forgive as: “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.”

I encourage all of us to try and clarify what is getting in the way of truly forgiving ourselves and others. Perhaps some of this article will help you on your path.  However, if you continue  to struggle with figuring out what is blocking you from forgiving someone in your life, or perhaps forgiving yourself for something in the past, I am available to help work through these challenges with you and also find resources and referrals in the community to help continue moving forward. Please call me at 401-331-1244 or email rose@jfsri.org.

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Congregation Beth Sholom.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Tara may be reached at 401-331-1244 or rose@jfsri.org.

Cowan, R., Thal, L., (2015) Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit. Springfield, NJ: Behrman House, Inc.