When Common Misunderstandings of Forgiveness Get in the Way

Please enjoy this timely article by my colleague, Tara Watkins.

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 When Common Misunderstandings of Forgiveness Get in the Way

By Tara Watkins, LICSW

As the High Holidays approach, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the concept of forgiveness. Unfortunately, too often, struggles with knowing exactly what our goals should be hinder our path. Are we accepting an apology, letting go of hurt or anger, and/or reestablishing a relationship?

In their book entitled Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit, Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal explore some of the common misunderstandings of forgiveness that may make the process of forgiving more difficult:

1) Forgiveness is the same as forgetting. This is not true. Sometimes we do forget, but if we choose to, we can forgive without forgetting. We are entitled to remember and it may even be wise to remember to try and protect ourselves from experiencing a similar hurt in the future.

2.) Forgiveness is the same as excusing or condoning. Definitely not. We can continue to find a person’s behavior inexcusable but still let go of the anger or hurt we feel when we think about it. We can separate our negative judgment about the action from our feelings of being personally injured.

3.) Forgiveness makes us vulnerable and weak. This is absolutely wrong! Forgiveness actually makes us stronger.  Unfortunately, some people fear that forgiving is “giving in,” and also that by forgiving they concede a battle and set themselves up to be hurt again.

According to Rabbi Harold Kushner, true forgiveness really happens only when we are strong enough to let go, when we are able to say, “you because of what you did to me, don’t deserve the power to be the ghost inside my head.” By taking this first step and acknowledging the “ghost,” we remove its power over us and begin to move forward on our path towards forgiveness.

4.) Forgiveness only occurs when there is acknowledgement of wrongful behavior. This belief gives the wrongdoer all the power! If we spent time thinking about what happened as objectively as we can, why do we need to wait for the other person to conclude that he or she was in the wrong? Perhaps it would add to our satisfaction and make reconciliation easier, but we do not need to be held back from our own internal process by the other’s disagreement or resistance.

So if forgiveness does not depend upon forgetting, excusing, reconciling, or apology, then how do we think about its essence? Psychologist Robert Enright says that forgiveness is “giving up the resentment to which you are entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled.”

What an empowering statement. Through forgiveness we release ourselves from the forces that weigh us down. Feelings such as anger, resentment, and powerlessness as well as fantasies of revenge and preoccupations with the past no longer have a hold of us.  If we do not allow ourselves to let go of these negative emotions our energy becomes displaced, energy we need to move forward into the future.

Ultimately, when we allow negative feelings and preoccupations to fester within, it hurts only us, no one else, including the object of our resentment. In fact research has shown that long term holding onto resentment and other negative emotions may be detrimental to our physical health.  One unnamed person cited in Wise Aging describes the reasons for why we should strive to forgive as: “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.”

I encourage all of us to try and clarify what is getting in the way of truly forgiving ourselves and others. Perhaps some of this article will help you on your path.  However, if you continue  to struggle with figuring out what is blocking you from forgiving someone in your life, or perhaps forgiving yourself for something in the past, I am available to help work through these challenges with you and also find resources and referrals in the community to help continue moving forward. Please call me at 401-331-1244 or email rose@jfsri.org.

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Congregation Beth Sholom.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El  and Congregation Beth Sholom.  Tara may be reached at 401-331-1244 or rose@jfsri.org.

Cowan, R., Thal, L., (2015) Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit. Springfield, NJ: Behrman House, Inc.

Emotional Intimacy

When most people think of the word intimacy, they think of a romantic relationship. Yet, there are many types of intimacy- physical, spiritual and emotional. I was recently reading “The Orphan Master’s Son” by Adam Johnson[1] and was struck by the theme of intimacy and its risks in the context of modern day North Korea. In this novel, intimacy is defined as “when two people share everything, when there are no secrets between them.” It goes on to explore intimacy between parents and children, between friends and between romantic partners. What stands out is the rarity of such intimacy.

Taking a step back, it is not so surprising. After all, how many people do we have in our lives with whom we share everything? It would not be terribly healthy if everyone knew everything. But this is what makes intimacy, whether in its fullest expression or even in parts, so wonderful. When enough trust is established for two people or a group to be safe enough to be vulnerably honest, it can be incredibly freeing and unique. In the novel, the main characters struggled to establish intimacy in the context of unsafe environments. In our own worlds, this can be true for so many of us as well. Most have had the experience of having a trust betrayed, of disclosin a secret that was revealed- in bigger or smaller ways. These experiences may cause many to hesitate to establish new, emotionally intimate relationships. Yet, they are so very important to our ability to feel connected in important ways.

A study out of University of Arizona[2] noted that people who spend more time with others and are engaged in meaningful conversations expressed a greater sense of well-being than those who either spend less time with others, or engage primarily in small talk. The more beneficial conversations are typically driven by sharing thoughts, opinions and feelings… and are the beginning of developing meaningful, emotionally intimate relationships. So how do you begin?

Many people have had the experience of a dear friend, a cherished partner, or a close familial relationship. Some may have had few such opportunities. But even those who currently have these relationships may benefit from thinking about some of the simple elements that go into having meaningful, emotionally intimate dialogue. The space in which you are engaging is important to a good conversation. Choosing an environment where everyone can be relaxed allows a more natural dialogue. Another element is daring to disclose. This does not mean baring your entire soul in one sitting, but rather, taking a chance on sharing something- a feeling, a political view, a personal experience that is important to you….. And then allowing the other person to respond, reciprocate and engage while giving them your full attention. As you offer your attention and ideas, you may find common ground from which to discuss both harmonious and discordant views on matters that are important to you both.

This can feel like it takes work… because it does. Like many things that are good for us, it can take effort, especially when we are off track. However, there are many benefits to offering thoughtful attention to the emotional intimacy in an important relationship or to developing strong, supportive relationships. If you find yourself struggling with this, please feel welcomed contact me, your Kesher social worker. I would be more than happy to talk and help identify the next steps to developing strong relationships in your life.

Rose Murrin, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Temple Congregation Beth Sholom.  Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island, generously funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and currently active at Congregation Agudas Achim, Temple Torat Yisrael, Congregation Beth Sholom and Temple Emanu-El.  She can be reached at rose@jfsri.org or 401-331-1244.

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[1] Johnson, A. (2012) The Orphan Master’s Son. New York, NY: Random House.

[2] Mehl, M. R., Vazire, S., Holleran, S. E., & Clark, C. S. (2010). Eavesdropping on happiness: Well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations. Psychological Science, 21, 539–541.